The Christian monks and nuns of the Egyptian desert were not writers, but their wisdom and insights into both human nature and the spiritual quest for God have been preserved in a catalogue called The Sayings of the Desert Fathers. Among the abbas, referring to the monks as spiritual fathers, there were ammas, who were spiritual mothers known for their holy life and sought out for their guidance. Among them was Amma Theodora. I came across the following story attributed to her.
Amma Theodora also said, “There was a monk, who, because of a great number of temptations said, ‘I will go away from here.’ As he was putting his sandals, he saw another man who was also putting on his sandals and this other monk said to him, ‘Is it on my account that you are going away? Because I go before you wherever you are going.’”
This was such an appropriate story read at the beginning of Lent. More often than we might like to admit, we regard the sources of our temptations as being outside of ourselves. “That is a temptation for me,” we might say as we point to the chocolate cake in the break room at work. It is a whole lot easier to blame the object of our temptation (such as the chocolate cake) than it is to recognize ourselves as possessing all of the responsibility. The desire for the cake is wholly our own. The memory of eating chocolate cake as a pleasurable experience is wholly our own. The choice to eat or to abstain from eating the chocolate cake is also our own. If I have a particular weakness for chocolate and other sweet foods, this too is mine to acknowledge and to deal with in a responsible manner. If I am a diabetic or if I have a food addiction, I have all the more responsibility to steer clear of that which can have very bad consequences. My internal weakness and struggle with my own desires is not the cake’s fault.
The story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden in the Book of Genesis places a lot of the blame on the serpent who tricked Eve into tasting the fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden that was not to be eaten. When questioned by God, Adam blamed the woman; then the woman blamed the serpent. This mythic story used to explain the sources of evil in the world is very ancient. When called upon to take responsibility for our poor decision making and actions, it is our immediate tendency to want to place the blame anywhere else but on ourselves. But when it comes to spiritual maturity and spiritual healing, radical honesty is required.
During Lent, we are called upon to own what is ours to own—acts of selfishness, words spoken in anger or hatred, failures to assist someone who needed our help or to defend someone unjustly accused, choices to value material things or power over relationships, etc. We are all sinners in need of forgiveness. Regardless of our good intentions and aspirations, we fall short of moral perfection. The virtue of humility is knowing our need for God’s mercy and being willing to ask for it. Lenten practices are not punishments for having done wrong; rather Lenten practices (fasting, prayers, and almsgiving) are exercises to assist us with the ongoing spiritual work of conversion of heart.
By Sister Therese Haydel, OSB